Ruining My Life for the Better
Have you ever come across an idea that took hold of you and just wouldn’t let go? Well, for me, the seed of an idea planted itself in my mind back in 2015 when I listened to “Sounds of the Trail” podcast on a complete whim. Each episode contained voice recordings from people actively thru-hiking the Pacific Crest Trail.
A wave of curiosity came over me. What’s thru-hiking? Where’s the Pacific Crest Trail? And how long is it!?
After intently listening to each episode, my mind was not satiated. I needed to know more. So I did what any well-trained Millennial would do: I turned to YouTube.
As I watched others vlog their hikes, my mind slowly came around to the idea that maybe this was something I could try for myself. I had never been backpacking before. Growing up, summer vacations were spent car camping on Hermit Island in Maine, and I had been on plenty of day hikes, but I had never combined camping and hiking together. Would I even enjoy it? A quiet voice in me said yes.
PCT YouTubers that inspired me to hike
When 2020 came crashing into all our lives like a speeding car with blown brake fluids, I came to a halt in front of my desktop screen. And with a sizeable stimulus check in my bank account, I began to research and purchase thru-hiking gear while simultaneously stimulating the economy, thus saving the world. I didn’t know when I was planning on hiking, or even where, I only knew I wanted to be ready when the opportunity came.
My thru-hiking gear collection - half of which I would ship home later on
When I look back at this time in my life, I can see how there were whole areas of my brain set to autopilot. I had fallen into the all-too-easy trap of people pleasing and not filling my own cups before helping others. It was quietly depleting me. However, something in me knew that backpalcing could be part of the remedy. So, when I had a window of opportunity come in the Spring of 2021, I lept at the chance and filed for a PCT thru-hiking permit. My start date would be April 28, 2021.
Southern Terminus of the PCT - Campo, California
The next three months would be the most physically demanding and emotionally exhausting time in my life. I would go on to get an overuse injury in my right knee. I would recover only to summit Mt. Whitney, the tallest mountain in the continental US. I would battle sandstorms, thunderstorms, and hail. I would hike long, hot hours, testing the very limits of how far my body could go with a pack strapped to my back. I would have quiet contemplations, hour after hour, slowly moving north on a meditative walk.
I call this my rebirth story because I quite literally felt like I was giving birth to myself, my true self. I baptized myself in the cool waters of Rae Lakes. I even took on a new name, Artemis. In the vastness of the wilderness, it didn’t matter if I was wearing make-up or not. The trail didn’t care what I got a degree in or what I did for work. It didn’t care what levels I associated with myself. And I wasn’t carrying anyone’s baggage but my own. The further I hiked, the more confident I became, and the lighter I felt. My authenticity was having an evolutionary renaissance.
I say that the trail “ruined my life” because so much of what I had built up for myself needed to be broken down in order for me to build myself back up again. Even though I did not complete my goal of hiking the entire PCT, I had hiked enough of it to realize I was never going to be the same.
This blog post is my first attempt at putting words to my experience on trail. I did, however, make a video that tells my visual story. (linked below)
